so you know you are very upset when you are too distraught to cry. crying is like my instant reaction to being upset…when I can’t right away that means I’m too shocked that that could be so ..cruel. god. maybe that didn’t really happen.. maybe i’ll just leave early..
more credit…I really need to stop feeling pessimistic and worried all the time b/c it just makes my stomach unhappy. like…I should feel accomplished I have three degrees, but real life constantly reminds you how you fall short. truth is, you’ll never be viewed as enough except by a very select group. I should feel fine. I graduated and got all my school done on time. (even though I got so stressed esp during grad school)..and the wholefucking debt thing sucks and i couldn’t pursue the career i wanted. I’ve managed to fit into all my clothes the same as I’ve had for the past 3 years since I lost those last ten pounds and stayed at my preferred weight (even though I’ve had to work so hard to stay that way …and even though I somehow always always manage to never feel totally satisfied b/c I completely HATED how I looked from about 12-17ish…and part of me doesn’t think i’m skinny.
also bummed that it;s already freaking thursday. dhfsghfghjsdgfjgfdjfgjgsfjff
so I found at 10pm est time that I passed that English 6-12 FTCE certification test I took last month…right after a long convo with an old friend. I’m terrible at standardized tests too, lol. now…if only I knew for sure where I’d be after July 29th.. little steps.
- one of my auctions selling
- finding out I passed that ftcle test
- a call from you
- a text from you
- suddenly winning money
- sudden job luck..any job luck
i’ll take any one of these now.
And I dont wear light colors… Ugh…well.. Least it kinda feels like I’m at a sweat house now.
the tug of war of wanting comfort and security along with excitement and adventure… oh, why do I always struggle with that