Gosh… I feel so ordinary. I’ve come to the realization that I can’t trust anyone. I need to treat people exactly as they treat me. Instead I always have to downplay my vulnerability or sat that I’m ok when I’m not really…so that people don’t think I’m mentally unstable or such. Actually, I just wish I could take a break from society and see who in real life would bother saying anything about it…or miss me.
I guess it was better than I thought… Even though I didn’t get any of the good jobs today still… I found out I finally made the top 5 in commission! Eek, now if I can just stay around there…. I feel like some job churning machine sometimes.
i’m so pissed. and i’d appreciate it if I can make a personal text post without being called a fool, thanks.
Easter again, I haven’t done anything for it really since I moved away from my parents some years back. I did the whole standard phone call and such telling them happy Easter. It’s also a Sunday which means In less than 20hrs, I’ll be sitting at work again. Oh well, at least it will get up to 88 degrees by fri. Tomorrow is the coldest day, and the high will be about 80. Yay for FL.
I guess I feel as ok as I normally am. I feel kind of nostalgic/yearning for ca now, cause today marks exactly 6months since I visited sf. I would like to go back to that short time there, gah, I want to go back to too many things when I should be looking forward more. But, I really don’t know when all the days feel pre-determines already.
……meh. I can’t believe the weekend is pretty much over. Again. I just got off the phone with my mom about health insurance stuff and will be turning in my packet this week. I also just had to pay a chunk of phone bill . Fun. I hope I get my raise this week.
I feel broke-ish, as usual. I looked at my commission things, I only made like.. $13 this weekend so far :/ I realllly hope I get a great assignment this week. I want to be kind of good at something.. Plus the thought of writing about 200 mediocre jobs a week makes me feel tired to think about.
Tomorrow, 4/14, also marks exactly 7years since my senior year prom. It’d be nice to go back and relive that. I watched Forrest Gump last night for the first time in ages… I just couldn’t get over the fact of how freaking unappealing and self destructive jenny was. I found her more unlikeable than I did before.. Even though I could understand given her background, but geez. Also, kinda forgot how unrealistic then whole movie was overall.
Maybe I’m just being more cynical/pessimistic over all. The sound track was the usual greatness though. They played the San Francisco song, and it just made me miss and realize how this week coming up with make it exactly half a year since my last vacation.
:/ ugh, I feel sofa king invisible sometimes, but the thought of going out and socializing is unappealing b/c I don’t just want to be with random acquaintances . I remember how you lectured me that I was too picky and wanted too much, blah blah..then you just left anyway.
Sometimes I feel bad b/c I think about I used to have more of a life in college…like I went out and went to events and shit. Now I just go home and look forward to resting.
I’m just lying here now staring at this health insurance packet I have to start filling out for work soon…and the sight is just making my leg sorer. Niiice. It’s weird how I thought once I got a stable, full time job, things would just fall into place more. Well i guess practically they did… It all just feels like I’m working to some hazy goal I can’t see. I think about how most people work until they are like 60…
Then I feel panicky cause idk what my career will be like..I know I’m not going to be going back to school to get my doctorate though…unless I happen to come across a ton of money and all my loans get paid off. Teachers just have too many liabilities to worry about. I would also prob get annoyed eventually and want to hide from the students.
I’m kind of ready to type the day away again. This weekend wasn’t at all what I hoped it’d be. Part of me wants to analyze it and part of me doesn’t, I guess in the end it doesn’t matter..I hope tomorrow isn’t as rainy as they say and I hope I’m not that behind work wise. I just feel like such a space filler sometimes, like I’m perpetually waiting for some ambiguous good or exciting thing to happen that may never transpire.
Meh,I’ve about 20 mosquito bites on my legs. I just rolled up my socks all the way up to try and stop scratching. It doesn’t work too well. I loathe the part of me that keeps daydreaming and have unrealistic expectations and imagining the type of junk that only happens in movies and tv shows. I feel so replaceable and mediocre in almost every aspect of my life. I kept replaying what I would say if you actually cared, but it’s all just rust and stardust.
I don’t know, I still feel pretty crappy about yesterday. Honestly, I’ll always feel crappy about it for life when I think about it. I hadn’t felt that hurtfully / unimportant / embarassed-ashamed type of invisible in a long while, and never by you. I didn’t think you’d do that to me.People would say that in weddings your mind is so preoccupied with the ceremony, and other stuff, but I still don’t think it warrants not even being acknowledged, or being looked right thru.
I felt like I was being looked right thru, transparent like some window pane. I didn’t feel like having to beg for attention. I’ve done it so much before and it feels scummy. I don’t get why I could never get a reply. Your grandparents and brother were the only ones that were excited to see me/actually bothered talking to me.. If they hadn’t been there, I would’ve left sooner. So, I just left and waited in the street when they left. Not like you noticed.
It wasn’t easy for me to get there, I don’t know why I thought you’d be happy to see me. Common sense? B/c it’d be the logical assumption? I feel confused, did all the past years only ever happen b/c I was the only one there? Why did I think sharing my biggest secrets meant anything?
I think I’d learn after the events of last year, that everything that I think could never happen to me, probably will..and In a fantastically bad way. Time to retreat under the safety of my blanket..
It feels very weird that for the first time in 90 days, I won’t be going to work tomorrow. The ac has been broken in the office for the past two days. Literally everyone in there but me kept exclaiming and complaining that was sofa king hot. Dang, it was prefect for me…even a tiny bit chilled,cause they ended up bringing these huge fans in..but no.. You would think it was 100 degrees instead of like 80.. Anyway, I don’t want to go to sleep .. I feel a bit off.. I wish I could write what I really felt, but it’s a mostly a jumble. You might as well not be here at all. I thought I’d be there with you in all the days leading up.
I feel left out of life sometimes. I want to be back listening to mambo sun, or publix greenwise
I also ate too many red velvet chocolates. Guh… <. and i know my parents are going to snap at me soon for not registering do what they want to.. yeah might get much vacation time like a teacher but don have constantly pretend or put on an extroverted mask be someone not. horrible being fake..>