One hour walks as I tumblr and listen to music are my specialties.
If this is all my life is going to be, just stability and getting by, but feeling continuously under appreciated, and unimportant, then it can all fuck off and I still want to run away. I deserve to feel alive, too. Work is pretty good, I know I lucked out on being able to find this job, but if I feel in the back of my mind that I’m wasting my time, what good is the long term? I still have 4 months before I can take pto. I wonder how long most other jobs have you wait. I can feel so angry when I let myself, that I learned to just literally walk away. I will always dislike the outcome even though it remains the best. My life feels so lacking without you here, and I doubt you could ever know, even later. Fuck everyone that criticized me for being picky and wanting too much.
I haven’t been having the best time lately,
I feel fine and functional outwardly,
But if you just scratched a millimeter beneath the surface,
I’m a nasty acidic mess.
I just want to take what I want forcefully,
I don’t to play the tactful, beating around the bush game.
I feel like I’ve done it my whole life,
And times when I dared not to, everything just bubbled over and scalded me.
And I still have the welts from those times.
But they don’t matter to anyone but myself.
Anywhere with you is fine with me.
yeck-o-la. Every Sunday is the same. I go out on saturday, I stay in and sleep. and then tomorrow starts a new week. I feel dumb b/c I’ll write this job at work that I think will do great, then it ends up hardly making me any $, or I think I’ll kick ass at something, then I end up sorely falling short. I abhor when I think I’ll be good at something, then the opposite happens„or when I think I do something well/accomplished something pretty great, and no one notices. sure, I say that I like being left alone as opposed to be ing surrounded by the wrong people, but sometimes it’s nice to be a little appreciated by more people.
We all have good intentions
But all with strings attached
I guess I realized this is mostly true. I feel like a bad person cause I feel like I’m just living to end of the next workday sometimes. but i need to get your gifts, need to write a very important letter.
I mean sure, I look back and feel good about some of the stuff I’ve accomplished, but most of the time I just feel embarrassed and wish I could just kick my former self.
The old feeling is still there, the one I should have torched.
If I won’t do anything with them, I should purge them. But I don’t want to.
Things are stable now, and that’s what matters. Eventually I’ll have enough $ and time off to travel again.
I tell myself these things like a mantra sometimes even if I don’t totally believe it.
I’m probably the laziest person ever.
Maybe I’ll have a good birthday surprise..
20 minutes until I turn 25 and my car insurance finally goes down. Ha.
It’s shitty how you’ve to wait almost a whole decade from when you start driving for that to happen.
Idk, I can’t fall asleep now, I got up like 4 to do my usual after big after wash hair straightening, and to go to the 24hr fedex place to get some pictures printed to put on my cubicle walls at work.
It was so very, very, very foggy out. I couldn’t even see much with the brights. Today marks 7years since my madrina passed away. She died the day before I turned 18. Seven years is a decent amount of time, I think. I think back to how I found out right after I got home from school
It was a Friday and I was excited because my birthday was the next day and I’d be 18,finally. Hey, aside from 21, it’s pretty much one of the biggest milestone birthdays… Then I got home, and my parents told me…
And I just sat in the cold tile floor in room and wasn’t really there. She wasn’t that old..76. I was sad and then childishly angry that she had to die on this day, of all days, right on my bday just about. I hadn’t really yet learned that birthdays aren’t shit…or had my next few years of shit-acular birthdays.
Everything was still so confined and I was so terribly sheltered.
I just wanted to be little again. I’d been supposed to see her the next day, too..
For my birthday, I’ll be going to work. After my 21st/22nd, I never really did anything for my birthday. Well, after 2013, I don’t feel quite so kid-ish anymore.. But I just feel kinda worn and hardened. Idk if that makes sense.
It doesn’t really matter that my life isn’t how I thought it’d be, n/c nothing goes planned/as you envisioned anyway. A year ago, I would’ve been super upset/myspace-y venting about it, but now I’m just like—oh well, life as usual.
Ended pretty well at work. I
Got moved into my new cubicle and get to really decorate it now! And it’s in a prime location too.. Tucked in a corner by the window. ^o^
It’s weird, like not even anything embarrassing or bad will be happening, and At random moments (not too frequently) I’ll still wish I could turn invisible at will to avoid human interaction, or even people seeing me. Maybe I’m just getting too comfortable being a hermit the past few years. No one really likes being around such an introvert. It isn’t desirable. In the back of people’s minds..to some subconscious degree, shyness is a handicap/disability.
There will always be group settings, and those usually kill me.
Isn’t your social anxiety supposed to get better with age? I don’t think mine has gotten that much better. I remember thinking in 4th grade how I wish I could talk to people better, I even remember what I was wearing and what I was doing as I thought this exact thought.
And now I Still think that.
And I always will to some degree.