I’m done with Sergio.

……meh. I can’t believe the weekend is pretty much over. Again. I just got off the phone with my mom about health insurance stuff and will be turning in my packet this week. I also just had to pay a chunk of phone bill . Fun. I hope I get my raise this week.

I feel broke-ish, as usual. I looked at my commission things, I only made like.. $13 this weekend so far :/ I realllly hope I get a great assignment this week. I want to be kind of good at something.. Plus the thought of writing about 200 mediocre jobs a week makes me feel tired to think about.

Tomorrow, 4/14, also marks exactly 7years since my senior year prom. It’d be nice to go back and relive that. I watched Forrest Gump last night for the first time in ages… I just couldn’t get over the fact of how freaking unappealing and self destructive jenny was. I found her more unlikeable than I did before.. Even though I could understand given her background, but geez. Also, kinda forgot how unrealistic then whole movie was overall.

Maybe I’m just being more cynical/pessimistic over all. The sound track was the usual greatness though. They played the San Francisco song, and it just made me miss and realize how this week coming up with make it exactly half a year since my last vacation.

:/ ugh, I feel sofa king invisible sometimes, but the thought of going out and socializing is unappealing b/c I don’t just want to be with random acquaintances . I remember how you lectured me that I was too picky and wanted too much, blah blah..then you just left anyway.

Don’t grow up. It’s a trap.

Sometimes I feel bad b/c I think about I used to have more of a life in college…like I went out and went to events and shit. Now I just go home and look forward to resting.

I’m just lying here now staring at this health insurance packet I have to start filling out for work soon…and the sight is just making my leg sorer. Niiice. It’s weird how I thought once I got a stable, full time job, things would just fall into place more. Well i guess practically they did… It all just feels like I’m working to some hazy goal I can’t see. I think about how most people work until they are like 60…

Then I feel panicky cause idk what my career will be like..I know I’m not going to be going back to school to get my doctorate though…unless I happen to come across a ton of money and all my loans get paid off. Teachers just have too many liabilities to worry about. I would also prob get annoyed eventually and want to hide from the students.

I’m kind of glad tomorrow is Monday again.

I’m kind of ready to type the day away again. This weekend wasn’t at all what I hoped it’d be. Part of me wants to analyze it and part of me doesn’t, I guess in the end it doesn’t matter..I hope tomorrow isn’t as rainy as they say and I hope I’m not that behind work wise. I just feel like such a space filler sometimes, like I’m perpetually waiting for some ambiguous good or exciting thing to happen that may never transpire.

Candy chrome

Meh,I’ve about 20 mosquito bites on my legs. I just rolled up my socks all the way up to try and stop scratching. It doesn’t work too well. I loathe the part of me that keeps daydreaming and have unrealistic expectations and imagining the type of junk that only happens in movies and tv shows. I feel so replaceable and mediocre in almost every aspect of my life. I kept replaying what I would say if you actually cared, but it’s all just rust and stardust.

Paradise, ca

I don’t know, I still feel pretty crappy about yesterday. Honestly, I’ll always feel crappy about it for life when I think about it. I hadn’t felt that hurtfully / unimportant / embarassed-ashamed type of invisible in a long while, and never by you. I didn’t think you’d do that to me.People would say that in weddings your mind is so preoccupied with the ceremony, and other stuff, but I still don’t think it warrants not even being acknowledged, or being looked right thru.

I felt like I was being looked right thru, transparent like some window pane. I didn’t feel like having to beg for attention. I’ve done it so much before and it feels scummy. I don’t get why I could never get a reply. Your grandparents and brother were the only ones that were excited to see me/actually bothered talking to me.. If they hadn’t been there, I would’ve left sooner. So, I just left and waited in the street when they left. Not like you noticed.

It wasn’t easy for me to get there, I don’t know why I thought you’d be happy to see me. Common sense? B/c it’d be the logical assumption? I feel confused, did all the past years only ever happen b/c I was the only one there? Why did I think sharing my biggest secrets meant anything?

I think I’d learn after the events of last year, that everything that I think could never happen to me, probably will..and In a fantastically bad way. Time to retreat under the safety of my blanket..

Tell me what you know about the night terrors

It feels very weird that for the first time in 90 days, I won’t be going to work tomorrow. The ac has been broken in the office for the past two days. Literally everyone in there but me kept exclaiming and complaining that was sofa king hot. Dang, it was prefect for me…even a tiny bit chilled,cause they ended up bringing these huge fans in..but no.. You would think it was 100 degrees instead of like 80.. Anyway, I don’t want to go to sleep .. I feel a bit off.. I wish I could write what I really felt, but it’s a mostly a jumble. You might as well not be here at all. I thought I’d be there with you in all the days leading up.
I feel left out of life sometimes. I want to be back listening to mambo sun, or publix greenwise

I also ate too many red velvet chocolates. Guh… <. and i know my parents are going to snap at me soon for not registering do what they want to.. yeah might get much vacation time like a teacher but don have constantly pretend or put on an extroverted mask be someone not. horrible being fake..>

I’m in

such a foul mood this morning. I just got to work, and already cannot wait til 5. found out the tail light on my back is out, and figures,…I was right behind a cop today…hope it’s fine till tomorrow when it can be looked at. also.. my leg is sore from them park walking, got no sleep, running on straight up coffee, and my cool gold safari dress arrived, but as usual.. the chest is too big. fuck, i hate having to wear a push up bra all the time and stuff still sags, wake up america..not everyone is a c cup. want to go home so bad.. least it’s a 4 day week.

Breaking Amish

If you are just going to miss/think about me when some wave of nostalgia hits, when you miss old times and want to go back and such, or think about just b/c you feel obligated, then it all just makes me feel unimportant and like some replaceable entity…

If you’re going to miss me, do it properly and completely. I spent all my life feeling fleeting and temporary and replaceable. Also work today is going to suck hardcore.. I slept very little cause of universal knights. Just coffee-ing thru the day and then sleeping when I return.

Roxaaaane

I just…don’t want to talk sometimes unless I absolutely have to…like, if I’m not in the best of moods, I don’t want to fill up the air with pointless words, sorry. And esp. if I don’t like the sound of your voice. And no, I don’t want to talk about what’s bothering me just so you feel less lonely and can try to make feel better about it, when it won’t work.

You know,

That moment where you just feel sad, but there’s too much to write/try to explain why. It really doesn’t matter to anyone outside of myself anyway. I pretty much accepted that these thing won’t happen to me, but I still feel blah and left out when I see it all around me. I guess I’m saving up $ for the future, and to not be so broke, but it all feels so vague, and I’m not even sure of the exact meaning/point sometimes. This fri coming up is supposed to be the first day I’ve had off in 3months, but I still just feel unvalued and unimportant, and I know I’ll feel left out going to the wedding alone and I guess pretty much leaving right after. I still feel kinda unhappy about nov. Too, it was pretty unfair, but I guess that’s just reality.